Feeling Like A Failure
I have always tried to be 100% honest with my writing in hopes to find others that can relate and be encouraged. Here is my attempt on that as well as a description of the heavy heart I had earlier in the week and how God is once again chiseling.
I was on such an adrenalin rush after the birth of my son. It is true what they say about the hormones and the bonding. It was magical. I felt the biggest relief of it just being over…the anticipation, the pain, all of it.
After the first week of healing in my room with my sweet baby, reality started to settle in and the devil started whispering in my weak moments. As I type this I can see what a vicious lyer he is, but in the midst, it’s hard to block him out. I started to hear the word failure over and over. A failure to not heal as quickly as I had hoped, a failure to not be able to take care of my three other children, a failure because I felt the patience I once had was GONE, a failure because I was tired of visitors and people offering to help, a failure because I wasn’t having joy that I know was mine to claim.
This past Monday night the fake smile melted away to some hormonal tears in my room clenching my Bible knowing that time with Him, with shift in perspective was the only way to clear the fog.
I cried out to God in desperation to help me break this cycle of self-pity. Immediate relief came. I know this is not always the case, but in that second it did. I realized something…When I am on top of my game, when I have the patience of Job, when I am in shape and healthy, when I am full of hospitality, when I am juggling all of the many jobs as wife and mother…it not because of me. It is only through Christ when I have it all together. Pressure is off. The devil had one part right, I CANT DO IT! I do know who can. He lives in me with the key to joy unspeakable. He equips me with it all. My job is to trust and walk hand in hand with Him.
The next day I let God help me. What a difference when you don’t rely on your own strength. I am sure to some this may all seem a bit dramatic…the devil is real and is out lurking around to steal what God has given freely to those that love Him. Don’t give him another second of your life by believing the lies, instead hold on to God’s truths. This does not mean every day will be perfect, I am fully aware of this, but I know whose hand to grab to pull me back up.
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