Are You Having More Kids?
Visiting Daddy at the firestation.
Disclaimer: The intentions of this post are not to point a finger at those who have decided to no longer have children. I simply want to spin things around, even for a moment, to make you think hmmm???
Ahh… The question of my life recently. “Are you having any more kids?” Such a loaded question.
To all those who ask this question, which is basically everyone, I do not take offense. I understand that this has become a normal question in our society and I’m okay with that, heck I’m sure I’ve asked it myself.
Although this is a normal question, rather you desire a large family or not, it’s quite odd. There are many questions wrapped up in one. The first, “So when are you going to stop your bodies natural function?” The second, “Is your husband going to start wearing condoms or are you going to start taking hormones to stop your reproduction?” -sorry to be so blunt, but in actuality that IS the question.
Imagine the look in their eyes when you say, “Yes I hope so!” I honestly don’t think people ever expect to hear that answer. They have always looked shocked with their mouth wide open.
My question is… “Why do people stop having children?” Some of my many questions wrapped up in one really say, “Why are people stopping a natural function of their body, what it was made to do?” “Why do people put hormones in their body?”
The issue lies in our cultural views on children. To call me crazy for letting my body do it’s thing and to call it normal to pump hormones in your body just doesn’t make sense to me. If this is the choice people want to make then that is fine. But for others to feel the need to explain to me how sex happens, or that I need to watch tv, or tell me I’m crazy just doesn’t seem right. Most of the time it’s the strangers who want to make their opinions of my wierdness made known to me. I would never tell anyone they were crazy for using birth control and preventing pregnancy. Of course I feel that letting God bless you with children as He sees fit is the best way to go, but to make someone else feel less than because they are not having more children is not my place. Just as others insisting I stop having children is not their place.
I really hope this can shed some light on some of the backward thinking in our society. I used to think the exact same way! When I started to feel the conviction to let go of my fertility to God I still thought I was crazy. Over time, I no longer feel that way. Today it feels normal, right, and what I was made to do thanks to the grace of God for changing my views 100% on children.
How about you? Do you have any convictions that people call you crazy for? Are you starting to not care as much about the crazy comments like me? Subscribe and Share!
44 Responses to Are You Having More Kids?
Hey Y'all! My name is Brittany Styron. Sweet Country Roots is a place I hope to encourage, inspire, and bring a chuckle. Grab yourself a cup of coffee and join conversations about marriage, babies, homeschooling, frugal living, good food, and an old fashioned way of thinking.
We have three children under the age of 3.5. It is sometimes hard but I would not have done it any other way and defiantly hoping to have more! They are growing to be such good friends and it is beautiful to see. When I was pregnant for the first time everyone was SO excited for us… When I got pregnant the second time people were still excited but many where saying things like, “oh… you are going to have two babies! This is going to be kinda hard…”. The third time I got pregnant everyone just looked at us as if we are a total crazy or even stupid couple. No one seemed to be excited anymore. When I gave birth people said stuff like “ok, now you have your plate really full, so you can take a few years break!”. I used to get so mad! Who are they to decide for me when to take a break? And why my third child is less joyful that the first? Anyway, I figured a while ago that I am not living in order to satisfy someone else… They can say what they want, we’ll do what we want.
Thanks so much for sharing this.
Yes, the “you have a boy and a girl, so you’re obviously done” is said way too often. In many ways, my boys are just as different as my boy and girl.
Oops, this was intended as a reply to the comment below.
But yes, third (and beyond) babies are be a time for rejoicing too! Blessings!
The best comment I have gotten that reflects what you said is, “Are they all yours?” My 2nd two are 16 months apart, the first two are 6 years apart. I have a double stroller the 2nd two ride in for easier mobility when we’re out and abut…and some lady asked me that. I wish I had thought to respond, “No I picked this one up at Target, this one found me in Publix”…but I was very sleep deprived then… Since all three are girls the big question I get is “Are going to try for the BOY” .Which bothers me….what if it was another girl? Would that girls have to live with the shadow of everyone wanting a boy? Why not just have another child to have another child? People have been brain washed to think there is a magic combo of one boy and one girl and then your good….this really bothers me. We’ll have what ever we’re intended to have.
I went the hormone route for years, that was a choice. Once I’d found “the One” for me, that all went away, without even a brief glance back. Shortly after we got together, we had our first. When the “time” comes, if we’re so blessed, then we’ll welcome and love that child into our lives – boy or girl, 2nd or 3rd or 4th. Just because the idea of pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding for years and years, seems daunting to me doesn’t mean it will be when the time comes 🙂
Great post! Ill never understand why its acceptable to have the trojan company or birth control companies determine how many childen we have and not our creator! We have two boys, ages 6 and 2. We are trying for a 3rd and just recently miscarried at 7 weeks. My third miscarriage ( not in a row) and we are devastated. People say the most heartless things like ” you already have two just be thankful for them” as if morning the loss of a baby makes me ungrateful for the two i have been blessed with! I’m not sure why we have to explain ourselves when we want to extend our families…when people comment on how many kids and say ” oh, it’s so much work you know” … Don’t they know we already know that? I have two children I KNOW all about sleepless nights, breast feeding every waking and sleeping (!) moment, potty training, etc … I don’t need to be told what I already know! I used to get very upset but I am learning it’s my life and no ones decision but my husbands and I. It doesn’t make sense to me why people feel the need to judge ” big” families and since when is more than 2 kids big? It makes me sad that families who wish to have children have to explain themselves so often. Thanks for sharing.
People said the same thing to me after I miscarried twice between my second and third child. I guess they think they need to say something. I tell everyone just say you’re sorry, nothing more needs to be said.
Yes… Say sorry give a hug if appropriate and then just be quiet. I get asked why we don’t announce my pregnancies before the 2nd trimester since ‘wouldnt you want your family / friends to be able to suport you in your grief if you lost the baby?’ NO. Ive been there, and some of the most hurtful things ever said to me were said by people trying to make it better. The only condolences that didn’t simply add to our hurt were offered by those who had been there, and they simply said I’m so sorry, they knew nothing more needed to be said.
Wonderful post!!! We just we welcomed our 8th child into the world!! We had 4 girls in a row first, then 3 boys. I was convinced this one was a boy, you know, to bring balance 🙂 Nope! A little girl! And my hubby’s response? Well, I guess the next two need to be boys 🙂 At age 42, I’m not sure how many more little ones will be granted to us, but what a difference it makes when you have a different perspective. (disclaimer: we would be thrilled if any more babes were girls or boys, it was the thought of being open to more, and being playful that we would ‘even’ out the ratio that I was relating).
When I was pregnant with our 4th girl (we don’t find out the gender before hand), I had a cashier say…in front of my other 3 girls….”Oh, I hope that isn’t another girl! That would be horrible! I would feel so sorry for you.” WHAT?!? I have always let crazy comments roll off my back, but that one was over the edge, as if there were something wrong with my girls.
What would people think if I went around to anyone I saw that had two older children and ask them why they stopped having children. So I totally agree with you…it’s not my business why people have the number of children that they do, so I don’t ask them. It wouldn’t be so bad if people *really* wanted to know why we had so many children.
I was very blessed that some friends of mine threw me a baby shower for our new baby. I really didn’t need much of anything, but the thought that these people were truly happy for us, and wanted to celebrate the coming of this baby meant more to me than anything any one could have bought us! I will always treasure that special day, knowing that there are people around me that are just as excited about our 8th as they would have been for our first (these are newer friends and didn’t know us for our first).
Blessings,
Kerri
Wow!! Is this post a message or what? I have never been asked if I was going to have more children, everyone just assumed I should stop after one or two. I had my first two children when I was ages 19 and 21. I had 3 step children who did not live with us and were mostly grown by then anyway. Everyone just assumed we would stop.
I have always had a strong desire to be a wife and mother, but I did use birth control in between pregnancies. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have taken it. I went off birth control and got pregnant for a third time.
We had two boys by then so we were hoping to be blessed with a girl. (I have no sisters and so for as long as I can remember, I wanted a daughter). I can relate to one of the other posts I read that people aren’t nearly as joyful about number 3. This child was a boy also, but we were still thrilled. I went back on birth control and figured we were done. A couple of years later we met a couple who told us they let God decide how many children they would have and she really didn’t promote birth control at all. I grew up going to a Methodist church and yet this idea of letting God have control of this situation had never occurred to me. I purposely went off birth control (with my husbands consent) and we became pregnant once more. I can’t tell you how I dreaded telling my mother. I just knew no one was going to be happy for us. People accepted it but with no joy at all. This child was our long awaited for girl. But back on the birth control I went. When I turned 36, I went go get my years prescription for birth control. I was told that I needed to sign a release saying that I knew that being on birth control after age 35 was dangerous. There was a much greater chance I would have a stroke. I took the release form home to show my husband. We agreed that I would not continue on birth control. Three months later, At age 37, I was pregnant. I was overjoyed!! But again, the absolute dread from family and friends. I determined to surround myself only with people who were happy for me. Our 5 th child is truly a joy and we wouldn’t want to be without him. Now to the reason this post was so timely for me. I am now 46 and no sign of menopause has come. We have used only natural means to keep from having any more children these last 9 years. But I am bitten with the baby bug again. My husband is worried about people’s reactions if I were to become pregnant again. But I think we should only worry about what God has in store for our family. We are now finally surrounded with people who would be genuinely happy for us. But we still worry about family members and others.
I don’t know why I was prompted to write all this, but maybe it will encourage someone else.
Blessing, Rhonda
Great post! Written with genuine thoughts and grace.
I always dreamed of having 3 or 4 and never imagined that I would struggle with motherhood as I have. I had post-natal depression/anxiety after my first {he was only born in March 2013} and the thought of having another one and going through the pit I went through again has absolutely terrified me. And I am, blessedly, pregnant with our second. They’ll be 16 months apart.
But since having children, both my husband and I have discussed only having two. We would welcome ANY baby that God gave us because we believe in His sovereignty and His perfect plan for all of us. Yet, we also believe that common sense is a heavenly gift given to us, and for me, common sense shows that with my struggles having more may be detrimental to not only myself, but our family life and marriage. If God saw fit to give us 3 or 4 or more, then we would welcome them and love them fervently and sacrificially. But we will also pray that God closes my womb if he sees fit. We won’t ever use hormonal contraception, condoms etc. We will do the natural cycle way of things.
It’s scary writing this and being honest because so many women discuss these things online and not all are understanding of other people’s situations. But my journey is real, I love my children, but there is risk there.
Sarah,
I would encourage you to look into diet being a possible cause of your depression/anxiety. Our hormones are *greatly* affected by what we eat, or don’t eat. This was my 8th pregnancy, and the first I didn’t struggle with morning sickness, and the first that I did not have the raging hormonal pregnancy swings! It was amazing!
Thank you for sharing your story, I know it can be scary.
Blessings,
Kerri
Thank you, Kerri! Diet is very important and for the most part I eat well, despite the cost of healthy food {!}. I believe though that some forms of depression are not things we can think or eat or exercise our ways out of, at least, very easily. My MIL had depression after her first {in the early 70’s in England} and her mother told her to “pull her socks up” – the very worst thing someone needs to hear in that state. Some depression is biological and blessedly, medication can help along with all the other good things God has given us – good eating, exercise, herbs etc. What you said though is a helpful reminder and I will make it a priority to eat well next time! 🙂 x
Thank you for sharing your experience. It can be easy to point a finger when you haven’t been in someone else’s shoes. I have not struggled with this before, but that does not mean that I will never be faced with it. I hope that if I do, I can handle it with the grace you have. You seem to have a great perspective in recognizing God’s sovereignty, yet you and your husband are stepping forward cautiously. I will keep you in my prayers. Congratulations by the way! Let me know how it goes.
Thank you, Brittany, especially for your kind and loving response. I’ve just shared my story on my blog in the hopes of helping someone else, and to help me prepare for our baby girl {we just found out!}. I hope this time I am better so that we can hope for more babies, but if I’m not, I want to be the best mother and wife I can be and I want to be sensible. It is such a tricky thing, but I do believe God is control and the babies I have are all written in His book. And if He gives me more, I know He will help me through whatever happens. Blessings, sister!
I would encourage you to be extremely active in treating your depression. As a caregiver to small children, you need to be diligent to take care of your mental, emotional, and spiritual health even though in some circles there is a spiritual stigma. Many “greats” of the faith of struggled with depression, like John Bunyan, Martin Luther, and William Cowper. It is not an indication of a lack of faith. It should not be ignored in the hopes of it going away. Depression must be fought and treated. I highly recommend Ed Welch’s book “Depression: A Stubborn Darkness”. He is a believer and his book helped me to grow and rely on God more in my weakness and suffering.
I have three kids and have had varying amounts of depression/anxiety with my pregnancies, the last being the most severe. The stress of being a caregiver to lots of littles can trigger depression too for those that have that predisposition for whatever reason. I definitely think you should carefully consider your own personal situation as you prayerfully decide whether to to be trying to conceive after the new baby. Not to be critical (everyone is different) but just changing my diet would not have been sufficient to deal with the mental issues I have experienced.
I’ll be praying that God helps you cling to the promises of His Word, rather than believing the fearful lies of the enemy.
Thank you Jordan for sharing with me your story, it is so encouraging…Sometimes I feel very alone, even though I feel better now. It’s easy to feel like the “crazy” mum. It helps too, knowing the greats also suffered – Spurgeon had sever depression, the Prince of Preachers! Thank you for your prayers, they are so welcome!
I went through that transition.. I am expecting my 10th child in March, my oldest is 15. I have heard all off the comments. Its almost become fun to me when people who don’t know ask how me how many children I have.. I love to watch their faces.. I should do some vidoes 😉
LOL! I would watch the videos!
Great post! I have 2 right now and would love to have more! I am doing a giveaway today and would love if you would stop by and check it out! http://www.thediaryofarealhousewife.blogspot.com/
Found you on the Barn Hop link up…
I guess I take a different view of the question. To me, it’s just plain rude and nosy, even if it is common to ask.
The reasons to have or not have more children are so personal. They involve a couple’s intimate life, their health, their finances, their faith view and are interwoven in every other lifestyle choice the couple makes. NONE of those things are anyone else’s business. Unfortunately, as you said, answering “yes” or “no” tends to give the other person the idea that they can ask even MORE personal questions.
I prefer to give a vague answer then shut this rude question down. I cheerfully say, “It’s all in God’s hands” then change the subject. This answer doesn’t give the other person a yes or a no – or open a door to further questions. And really, you may want more, you may not. But truly, God will give you the number of children he needs you to have so the answer also isn’t a lie either.
I like that!
Thank-you for this. We just found out we are expecting our 5 in the fall and while we are thrilled, I have already received some of those typical comments. Each child is a blessing and while I desire to have many, I know the most important thing I need to do is steward well the children the Lord allows us to have regardless of how many there are.
To me it doesnt matter how many children you choose to have or not people will always find some snide remark to make about your personal choices. I have 2 boys (7 & 4) we would love more, though we feel God is leading us to adopt. We havent prevented since our youngest was about 6 mos old and no pregnancies. SO the “you want more” question is a bit painful at times since I can’t seem to have more on my own. What I find un-nerving is when people tell me I have my plate full and am I sure I want 1-2 more? Our oldest has Down syndrome so people assume he is a hard child to raise. But honestly he’s the easy one.
People told my mother the same thing. One of my sisters has severe autism. I think every one in my family would agree that she has been the easiest for my mom by far:)
The issue of stopping my body’s natural function to become pregnant is not a cultural thing. Infact, I was raised in a VERY large family and was hoping to have one myself. It IS due to this fallen world and the fact that nature isn’t kind to everyone. Nature, for me, meant that my body can’t vaginally give birth without my children almost dying (instead my oldest has a birth injury due to his severe shoulder dystocia). So, it means in order for me to bring children into this world, my body must be broken… by c-section. After 3 c-sections (the last with complications), in order to be the mother to the children God has blessed me with, we may need to stop having children.
I have actually had more “judgements” about our decision to intervene with my body’s amazing ability to get pregnant (4 kids in 4 years!) by use of condoms from quiverfull-ish families than I’ve had from the “outside” world about having 4 kids.
God is in charge and I’m so thankful He gives each of our families different convictions and roads to walk…
So true. When we started our family, we were open to whatever we were given – for us, it is five adorable kids. However, every one of them has special needs, from autism to feeding tubes to life-threatening allergies. We probably would have had several more if we didn’t have the medical bills piling up (thankfully we can afford to pay them AND the insane dairy/gluten/nut/soy grocery bill) and just the immense amount of time and energy it takes to care for them. If you have “average, normal, routine” pregancies, childbirths, and children, having a “whatever happens” mindset may be totally fine. When you’re calculating how much life insurance you need so that the guardians in your will can afford therapies for your autistic 6 year old until he ages out (if you even have someone willing to be guardian if you die because they’ve seen his violent rages and don’t know how you manage), you have to come to a point where you say “God clearly has a different plan for our family,” and say “Enough.”
I always find people’s questions amusing. If you don’t have kids, people ask when you’re going to have them. If you have 1, they say when is the next one? But it seems after 2 people start looking at you crazy for having any more. We have 3 boys, and I wouldn’t have it any other way! I do get comments about having all boys such as, “WOW 3 boys–you have your hands full!” When are going to try for a girl? (like we really get to pick & assuming I would even pick a girl!) LOL
We each have our own personal convictions about this and know what’s right for our families. I would have had more children myself, but after lots of complications I can’t have anymore. We do hope to adopt one day…there are kids everywhere that need a home!
Great post and I appreciate your take on this topic! Our society gives us a backwards view on lots of topics, especially those that deal with Christian beliefs or convictions. I also find it amusing that people question mothers, like myself, that stay home with our children. I probably have been called crazy for that more than the number of children I have. 🙂
Thank you so much for this post it came at the best time. Yesterday I was told by family members that we couldn’t have anymore children because my pregnancies are to hard on them and me. I am pregnant with our 3rd and we have never used birth control, we have made the decision to go with Gods plan for our family. How dare them think they have the right to tell me what we can and can’t do. But they were getting into my head till I read this and all your wonderful replies to know I am not the only one letting God call the shots is very encouraging.
I have 11 children, and I am no longer having any more children. After 2 dvts and being on blood thinning objections throughout my entire last pregnancy and now on warfarin, it’s too risky. It’s not a decision I took lightly. I actually wrote about it here- http://redheadmom8.wordpress.com/2014/01/12/when-god-answers/
Thank you!
I’m in the same boat as you are, but it’s going the other way. If that makes any sense at all.
I would love to have children. I would love to have as many children as God brings into my womb, my arms, and my heart. I’m completely open to life. My husband and I have stopped preventing pregnancy, and I hope that we’ll never have a reason to prevent pregnancy again.
And… nothing.
No babies, no positive pregnancy tests, no nothin’. I’m finding that for me, it’s hard to trust God in this circumstance. I’m sure it’s hard to trust God when there are five kids under six-years-old all running around and making messes and noise and your body is so tired. I’m sure of that- I’ve just never experienced it!
Thank you!
I understand. Trusting in God when his plan is different than your is very hard. I have been there. I had to summit to Gods plan for our family and it wasn’t easy especially when you can’t get pregnant or you do but can’t carry the babies. But knowing he has a plan that is ultimately better than yours is how I got through it.
Little Wife, I’m the Jill at 4:59p.m. that posted earlier. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. Your situtation also illustrates why I feel the ‘are you having children/more children” question is so rude.
Why should you have to get into all the details of why it’s not happening for you? Why should you have to feel pressure to give details about your health or your intimate life or defend how manly your husband is? I’m sure it’s painful enough dealing with the wait….to have to explain it and defend it everytime someone asks this nosy question is something no women should have to do!
I hope you are able to find peace and strength as you continue your journey!
There is nothing easy about that. Your absolutely right. The point is to trust him no matter if it is for more children or not, and it looks like your doing just that. This could very well be my last baby. I don’t know the plans God has. We just have to remember His timing is perfect rather that’s babies close together, far apart, 1 or 10, or adoption. He has great things for you!
Love this! I only have two and had trouble getting pregnant with both. If I’m blessed with more I’d be so thrilled!
Very well written Brittany! I feel the same way. I struggle with trying to please other people, even when it comes to getting pregnant! I’m always worried that people will think we are “irresponsible” if we get pregnant to close to our baby or have “too many” kids. It’s ridiculous that so many live in bondage to the culture and what others think. This post was the top viewed at Mommy Moments last week so will be featured in the link-up tomorrow. Congrats and thanks for sharing it!
http://the-life-of-faith.blogspot.com/
Awesome! Thank you so much!
I never had to worry about limiting my kids as we struggled with fertility. So I am so blessed to have the two here and our one with the Lord. But I would have wanted to have at least eight kids (although my hubby says he would have only wanted three or four, lol!) if I’d been able to get pregnant that many times.
But I homeschooled our kids for 16 years and so I constantly heard questions about that, especially the “Aren’t you concerned about their socialization?” one. I heard that one the most. That was my favorite one to answer as I had a GREAT answer for it, lol! (At least, I thought I did, haha). It usually shut people up with a “hmmmm, never thought about it that way” statement! 😉
And then of course there was the “I could never be stuck at home with my kids all day. I have no patience” statement too.
I don’t hear those anymore but I AM a pastor’s wife so I hear statements about that from time to time. Mostly “I could never do that” and “Did you always WANT to be a pastor’s wife?”
Those make me laugh because I made the same statements early when we were dating and emphatically told my husband “I never want to be a pastor’s wife.” Watch what you say, lol! 😉
Thanks for linking up to the “Making Your Home Sing Monday” linky party!
We are currently pregnant with baby 6. I received more negative comments at baby 4. But hang in there, my unbelieving family has “given up” ( in their words) and now just expects us to become pregnant again- they’ve even been asking. I don’t hear as many negatives anymore. People are just rude, probably even mostly unintentionally, so you just need to learn to “be a duck” and let those negative comments just roll off your back. No matter what, just don’t listen to those lies- they become poison in your own mind. I recently found a book really encouraging- Three Decades of Fertility. It really challenges our cultural “expectations” and what God says instead, but in a completely unjudgemental way.
Ha! I’m the oldest of 6 and my parents got a ton of negative comments when we were little. Flash forward 35 years and some of them have been forced to admit that their one or two kids were more of a challenge than my mom’s six.
Time always tells!
What these people don’t get is that if you PLAN AHEAD to have a large family, then you fully expect that your home might feel smaller, your finances may be tighter, free time will be more limited. When you can plan ahead for those challenges, it’s really no big deal because it’s your choice. I think people assume that large families = complete irresponsibility which is totally unfair.
I agree completely. I think another thing that people don’t understand is that even though, to them, we have a lot of kids (I have 11), to us it doesn’t seem like a lot because this is normal for us. I remember at a Christmas party one year, I had gone in ahead of my husband and most of my children because I had the baby. I turned around, saw my husband walking in with all the kids lined up behind him, and I thought, ”Wow. We really DO have a lot of kids!”
Liked reading the post. We are expecting our 4th after several years of nothing.
I got the “are you crazy?” A lot while expecting our 3rd a few years ago, but not one negative comment about our 4th. 🙂 personally, I thought God was done with the size of our family.
I do agree with God choosing your family size, but unlike most people believe that after careful prayer & consideration, He might tell someone to stop. We have had that happen to friends mainly due to severe health issues. We feel this may be the direction He is leading us after this one – in my case age & a few minor health issues. But, we shall see! It may be we can have one more.
I am really appreciating this whole discussion. It’s such a shame that Twitter and Facebook and blogging have helped cultivate this society where people almost feel they MUST share everything about themselves. It’s almost as though those who want to keep things private – like why they are or aren’t having more children and the reasons why they’ve reached that decision – are seen as oddballs or prudes.
The right to Privacy is a right we all have. And it’s one that I believe none of us should feel guilty about exercising.
We only have four, but have experienced all those same situations. Over the years I have started considering the source of the comments, and have realized they come from two camps: those, like you, who are just genuinely interested in large families, and more often, those who are not coping well with the kids they do have, and are who absolutely cannot comprehend dealing well with more. To me, those questions say a great deal about the person who asks them!